Powerful Wisdom From an Insightful Mentor
2019 is soon coming to a close, wrapping up not only another year but another decade. Over the relaxing holidays, I’ve had some time to reflect on the last year — the wins and losses, ups and downs, happy moments and frustrations, and everything in-between.
Some of the things I’ve been thinking about are the helpful heart-to-heart conversations I had with a former colleague and mentor, Lennaert Koch. He’s the CFO of a dynamic technology company in the Netherlands and I’m grateful for the time he spent listening to me and giving good advice. The purpose of this post is to share with you some of the wisdom he shared with me in the hopes that it will add value to your life.
Pushing Back a Little Bit at a Time
In one of my conversations with Lennaert, I told him how I often feel like I get judged for standing up for myself. I explained that other people would do weird and unexpected things I didn’t like and I would often let it go. I would then finally say something and other people would get upset for me saying something. Some people never seemed to notice all the times I let things go, but they were quick to point out how they didn’t like me speaking up for myself.
Lennaert encouraged me to push back a little bit at a time. Instead of standing up for myself all at once, he said to push back sooner but in smaller doses. This made a lot of sense and is something I applied.
Rather than let things build up, I decided to work on providing feedback to others but in less confronting ways. This really helped me to express how I felt without overwhelming the other person. I also stayed open to the feedback from others so that I could keep improving myself. I’m continuing to work on this and getting better at it the more I practice.
Believe it or not, this is the first time someone taught me something like this. Let’s now move on to our next lesson from Lennaert.
Finding Something In-Between
Piggybacking off of the first point, Lennaert also encouraged me to find a better balance when it comes to providing feedback to others. While it’s good to push back against others a little bit at a time, it’s also good to know when it’s best to do nothing and let things go completely.
Some people will tell you to always let everything go and be the bigger person. Other people will teach you to be a “warrior” and constantly stand up for yourself. As Lennaert taught me, the best approach lies somewhere in-between.
This may seem obvious in some ways, but it’s something I’ve struggled with for years. That’s why I’m grateful Lennaert shone some light on this and provided me with this feedback so that I can continue to grow.
What’s so powerful about this approach is that you can still completely speak your mind, in the right time and place. Once you find a better balance between letting things go and standing up for yourself, it actually makes speaking your mind even more powerful.
To be vulnerable and briefly give you some context as to why this feedback from Lennaert was so helpful: when I was younger, I got bullied all the time for a number of reasons. Through college and into my early to mid-twenties, I felt like I was constantly getting walked all over by others and I almost never shared how I really felt.
In my mid to late twenties (right now, I’m thirty), I decided I wanted to stand up for myself more. In many ways, this was a positive thing, though I actually took it to the other extreme and started standing up for myself too much. This is embarrassing to say, but I’m hoping that my authenticity here will add value to your life.
The point, related to Lennaert’s wisdom, is this: it’s OK to speak your mind. It’s OK to stand up for yourself. Just do it in the right time and place, and don’t make it your default method for communicating with others.
So powerful! As I applied these insights in my life and throughout the final quarter of 2019, I found myself finding a better balance with my assertiveness, both in my professional and personal life.
The answer isn’t to always let things go. And the answer isn’t to always stand up for yourself. The answer is to find the in-between: know the nuances of the situation you’re in and do what’s best in that given moment. Trust your intuition and find the middle ground that allows you to stay true to yourself while also expressing your feelings.
Concluding Thoughts
Lennaert Koch is a great guy. He made the time for me and he cares, which means a lot. I admire his values and appreciate how he shone some light on a lifelong struggle of mine. He’s the best mentor I’ve ever had. I sincerely hope this post will help you in your life, as you push back a little bit at a time while finding something in-between.
What are some ways you’ve been able to effectively assert and stand up for yourself? Please leave your thoughts in the comments below, as I’m interested to know what works best for you and I’m always learning more.
Have an awesome 2020!
You can connect with Lennaert on LinkedIn.
