Lessons Learned From an Unexpected Encounter at The Bar
I live in the Netherlands now. But for the first three weeks of March, I was in Connecticut, U.S. for a business trip. The evening of Thursday, March 22nd, 2018, I went to a Happy Hour with some friends. On the way out of the bar, after being done with the Happy Hour, I ran into someone I knew from a networking event I went to in the past.
At first I didn’t recognize him, but then I realized who it was. We didn’t know each other that well, but we definitely knew who one another was. I happily said hello. I sat down to talk to him. His name is Tom (name changed to protect his privacy).
Age Does Not Directly Correlate With Maturity
Getting into our conversation, we talked about what’s going on in our lives. Tom saw me speak in the past, and he gave me a compliment by saying that I come across as genuine. The conversation then took an interesting turn, and he told me that I’m still young. Since he’s 39 years old and I’m 28 years old, he said that he’s more mature than I am.
I did not say this to Tom, but please note: age does not necessarily directly correlate with level of maturity.
For the record, though, at this point in time he didn’t do anything wrong and I didn’t take offense. At 28 years old, if I came across a 17-year-old I’d probably automatically assume I’m more mature than them as well. I’m not a judgmental person so maybe that wouldn’t be the case, but I’m doing my best to be as objective here as possible.
You Don’t Have Anything to Prove to Anyone
Tom then explained that I would benefit from tweaking my approach as a speaker. I speak on suicide prevention. He said, “Speaking on that topic is good, but you’ll reach more people by also helping people who aren’t suicidal get to where they want to be.”
He’s saying that there’s only a certain percentage of people who are suicidal. The rest aren’t. I completely get where he’s coming from, but statistics show that suicide rates are on the rise. A message of suicide prevention is needed now more than ever.
He had a good point and he was trying to be helpful. But I do speak on leadership — specifically authentic leadership — to many different kinds of audiences. Suicide prevention is not the only topic I speak on! I could have explained that better to him, but then again do I really owe him an explanation? I don’t have anything to prove to him.
You don’t have anything to prove to anyone, even if they don’t perceive you in the way you would have preferred.
Here’s What Annoyed Me
With all of that said, I still didn’t take offense. But stay with me, this story gets crazier.
Tom reiterated that I’m young. I thought, That’s weird, he already said this. Why is he saying it again? I then passionately said how my whole life I’ve been getting people who told me I’m young. I know of entrepreneurs who are younger than me who don’t seem to get as much feedback as I do about being young. Here’s a picture of me from about a year ago, when I was 27:
While talking about my difficulties of being pegged as someone who looks young I wasn’t yelling, and I maintained my jovial, genuine nature. By being passionate, I was simply being involved in the conversation. It was a sign of attention and respect.
Tom’s coworker, having been listening in on the conversation and saying a few comments here and there, said to me, “Calm down”. For the record, he didn’t say it in a cruel or derogatory way. With that said, he struck a nerve. This dude was telling me to calm down when I was simply being myself, and being involved in the conversation.
I then said, “Don’t tell me to calm down.”
Here’s what annoyed me: they then judged me for being defensive. How do I know this? Because after some back-and-forth conversation Tom literally said, “We judged you for being defensive.”
I felt pigeonholed; I took the time out of my evening to stop and talk to Tom (and eventually his coworker, who joined the conversation), and I was being myself by being passionately involved in the conversation. I then got judged because Tom’s friend unfairly said to me to calm down, and they didn’t like my response.
Other than saying to Tom’s coworker, “Don’t tell me to calm down,” I didn’t express how truly annoyed I really was. I’m a kind guy and from the bottom of my heart, I’m not looking to start controversy. I also wanted to maintain cordial relations with Tom and Tom’s coworker.
Strangely enough, Tom’s coworker then started to compliment me and tell me that he likes high-energy people like myself and Tony Robbins. Tom’s friend even offered to buy me a beer. I politely declined.
Tom’s coworker said to me, “The people who are younger than you and extremely successful are probably very neutral and even-keeled when it comes to feedback from others.”
Tom’s coworker was essentially saying that I would benefit from being more even-keeled and neutral when dealing with critical feedback. He’s right. At the same time, I am typically very good at dealing with haters. As I’m left to ruminate over this unexpected encounter, what’s going through my mind (that I never said to Tom or his coworker) is that they misinterpreted my actions. What they took to be defensiveness was really me passionately being myself. I’m not saying this to prove that I’m right, as they had good points. What’s frustrating in this specific instance is I feel like there was a degree of misunderstanding.
Ending On a Good Note
We talked further. As an author and speaker who has shared his story with tens of thousands of people, I don’t mind opening up and being transparent, even when I’m with people I don’t know that well. I told them how a turning point for me was when my mother’s 6 and 7-year-old students were shot and killed at my old elementary school, Sandy Hook Elementary School. Before this happened, I used to always care what people thought of me. After my mom’s students were killed in 2012 (and among other motivating factors), I realized I had an important story to share with the world: how I came incredibly close to hanging myself in my backyard with a rope in 2007 when I was 17 years old.
Why have I shared this story of nearly committing suicide with so many people around the world? To prevent as many suicides as possible. It’s my purpose for being here on the planet.
After I shared this, Tom’s coworker said to me, “I’m ready to come to the Netherlands and hear you speak.” (I now live in the Netherlands.)
Tom’s coworker shared with me his inspiring story of overcoming financial difficulties. He had next to nothing in his bank account, and he’s now successful with a fantastic job and career. He also overcame a difficult divorce that severely threatened his well-being and self-worth, so he knows what it’s like to be down in the dumps. I give him lots of credit for overcoming his challenges and I truly respect his courage to keep moving forward with his life.
Tom said to me, “Don’t change who you are. Just be aware that you come across as someone who has high energy.”
Lessons Learned
I’m proud of myself for maintaining kindness and friendliness in the conversation, even after I was annoyed. And I do appreciate their interest in my life and their willingness to give me honest feedback. I can say with certainty these weren’t cruel or mean guys. Some of the stuff they said was weird and unwarranted (as the saying goes, weird makes the world go ‘round), but at the end of the day they were genuine.
In addition to some of the insights I shared above, here are some key lessons learned from this experience that I hope you can use as you deal with weird and unexpected events in your life:
- Don’t get too caught up in people’s opinions. It’s definitely OK to be passionate, but when you get too riled up your actions may be interpreted as defensiveness even when you don’t mean it that way.
- Respond in an emotionally intelligent way. You don’t have control over how someone treats you, but you do have control over how you respond. This is where me, Tom, and Tom’s coworker can all simultaneously hold our heads high. Although none of us were perfect, no one brought anger or bitterness to the conversation. We remained gentlemen and maintained a cordial demeanor, even during the heat of the moment.
- It’s not your duty or obligation to entertain people. What I mean by this, being blunt, is that this entire interaction could have been avoided if I simply chatted with Tom for five minutes and then bid him farewell. I didn’t owe him a 30-minute long intense heart-to-heart conversation, especially with it being late in the night. It’s not like we were meeting up as friends; it was a chance encounter. Please don’t misunderstand: I don’t mean this in an insulting way. Everything happens for a reason and I do believe there are some beautiful lessons that came from this interaction. With that said, in retrospect, had I kept it to a 5-minute conversation I wouldn’t have had to deal with some of the weird aspects of the conversation. Although I didn’t have to leave the bar right away, I could have respectfully said, “Hey man, I gotta run. Let’s catch up another time,” or something along those lines.
Maybe the silver lining of this whole thing is you taking away some valuable lessons to apply in your life.
Concluding Thoughts
Life can no doubt be interesting sometimes. We all deal with unexpected events and unplanned encounters all the time. As we continue to move forward with our lives, let’s seek to be kind, emotionally intelligent, and centered individuals who don’t let other people knock us off our game.
Jeff Davis is the author of The Power of Authentic Leadership: Activating the 13 Keys to Achieving Prosperity Through Authenticity.
