How to Be an Unconventional Leader: Authentic Leadership Insights

Photo: jeffdspeaks.com

As you work on establishing a rock solid foundation to fall back on even when times get tough, it’s essential to remember that you will have moments when you don’t feel great. But when you think of yourself as a leader, regardless of your present circumstance or situation, you will be implementing into practice a mindset of serving others and staying humble.

The moment I felt like I made progress, my insecurities would rush back. The moment I finally started feeling confident for once in my life, someone would laugh at me, and I’d start feeling bad about myself again. On many days, I did not feel I’d be able to ever make substantial progress.

I share this for several reasons. One, I don’t want you to get frustrated or mad at yourself if you apply some of these tactics, and then you fall back into your old ways. It happens to the best of us. When you fall back, the goal is to more quickly remember that things will be alright. The more you beat yourself up for falling back and making mistakes, the longer you will stay down.

The catch-22 here is when you replace self-doubt with self-love and ease up on yourself, you make progress more quickly. You will, of course, continue to hold yourself to high standards and be your best. At the same time, it means that if you make a mistake or fall short of what you know you are capable of, instead of going back down into the dungeon of despair you will reflect and learn from the situation. Make it a point to look for the silver lining, even when it’s difficult to find, and then take action to move forward.

The other reason I share my own challenges with getting out of the darkness is because I want you to know you don’t need someone else to call you a leader. You can lead from your current situation. You can be a leader even when you are at the bottom of the totem pole. You can lead even when the last thing you think you can do is be a leader.

You Can Always Lead, Even When You Think You Can’t

If I can become a leader, so can you. I mean that sincerely. When I went to Sandy Hook Elementary School and Newtown Middle School, I was the shyest kid in the school. I’m now outgoing.

Throughout 2015, I frequently led meetings at the Hartford-Springfield Speakers Network Group in New England, a group consisting of some of the best authors, speakers, coaches, entrepreneurs, philanthropists, and business owners in the region. Also, through my successful digital marketing career, I’ve led teams in companies across the United States and Europe. I then transitioned into a career as an author and speaker.

I’ve also failed countless times. I didn’t get much playing time on my college baseball team, but everything is relative; having been cut from my high school baseball team, I could appreciate just being on the team even though I was a bench player. Rather than sit around and feel sorry for myself, I decided to root for my teammates, encourage them when they were feeling down from a bad play, give them high-fives, and be an avid supporter.

This may seem inconsequential and like it didn’t matter, but most of my teammates appreciated having me around because they knew I brought good energy with me. I wasn’t good friends with some of them, but I did have fun stepping on the field with them. Yes, I was incredibly frustrated that the coach didn’t give me a shot to play and showcase my minor-league caliber hitting abilities, but I wasn’t going to let that keep me bitter since I still had an opportunity to lift my teammates up.

Look for the Hidden Opportunity

With every setback is a hidden opportunity, some kind of silver lining. As a leader, it’s important to think about how you can transcend your current situation and move forward.

I was a college recruit athlete and one of the best players in the state of Connecticut. My college baseball coach saw me at a showcase (where top high school players play to impress college scouts and coaches so that they can get recruited to play at a higher level) and I was considered by many people there to be one of the best players on the field.

When it came to hitting, my strongest aspect as a player, I hit more doubles than anyone else on the field. I was crushing the ball and completely in my element.

After that showcase, I got recruited to play at a collegiate level by many schools, including McDaniel College — where I ended up going to school. My college coach didn’t even know I got cut from my High School baseball team. He would have been beyond dumbfounded if I told him that happened because I was one of the best players on the field, competing against some of the best high school ballplayers in the nation.

The challenging part of this particular circumstance is that while my college coach started out as a huge supporter, he ended up becoming a critic. Have you ever had someone go from a supporter to a critic in your life? Imagine being close with someone and then having them unexpectedly turn on you. Even though I was a college recruit athlete and one of the best players in the state of Connecticut, I had one bad game in the fall season of my freshman year of college (it happens to even the best ballplayers out there) and my college coach made a split-second decision that I was no good — after that I had many good games in scrimmages, but he didn’t seem to take note of my successes. I made the college team, but the coach had an impression of me that couldn’t be changed.

A bit unfair, but completely out of my control. At the end of my sophomore year, with a boatload of new recruits coming in, my intuition told me to consider studying abroad. McDaniel’s main campus abroad is in Budapest, and I’m 25% Hungarian, so I felt like it was meant to be. I definitely wasn’t running away from my college baseball experience — I was consciously entering into a life of adventure by deciding to live more fully.

After really thinking about it and weighing my options, I ended up studying abroad. On my third day there, by serendipity, I found out about a Hungarian baseball team. I tried out, did well, got along with all my teammates, and joined the team.

As the late Randy Pausch, author of The Last Lecture, said, “We cannot control the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” If I had been a starter, I would have never gone abroad, but I trust everything happens for a reason. And ironically my travels have become the foundation of my entire writing and speaking career. Funny how that works, isn’t it? The very thing that I initially thought was an obstacle, delay, detour, and second-best option — not getting any playing time on my college baseball team and going abroad — became one of the best years of my life and the fuel to the fire of my achievement.

I went from a disastrous high school baseball experience, to a less crappy but still terrible college baseball experience, to competing in tournaments across Europe against some fantastic ballplayers, people who were at the minor league level. I didn’t let others stop me from doing what I loved.

You can find a silver lining in unexpected, unwanted, and unwelcomed situations. Always look for the silver lining and even when it seems impossible to find, you’ll find it if you really look for it. What I’ve learned from my conversations with leadership experts is that if you look for the good in even really bad situations, you are demonstrating an ability to be an example for others. Leadership is about looking for the silver lining in a challenging situation.

Look for Solutions

Let’s now feature input from leadership expert, speaker, and author Heather Hansen O’Neill, who I was chatting with recently at the Newtown diner and featured on my YouTube channel:

“All leadership starts with a sense of self-leadership,” Heather said. “It’s important to live these principles yourself. It’s an ability to believe in something, doing it for the right reasons. You must also come across as authentic and be persistent with your efforts.

“Have leadership over your own emotions. When you know you have a passion which will help people and impact the world, then you know you’re doing the right thing, and you’ll continue doing the right thing. And like I said, Jeff, you live it,” Heather was kind enough to emphasize.

“Wow, that is very powerful,” I said. “When it comes to harnessing your emotions and dealing with challenges, are there any tricks you share with others to help them overcome that?”

“Yes, when dealing with challenges,” Heather said, “the ability to be quiet is very important. When we have challenges we often have a lot of internal resistance. The ability to sit with that feeling and then transition through it quickly so you can see what the end result could be is very helpful. See if you can figure out what the potential of the situation is and what some of the solutions are.

“Shift your focus by becoming quiet and reducing the internal chaos,” Heather continued. “Take the time to see what the possibilities are. Ask yourself: what could be a potential solution to this challenge? Everyone has a situation where they went through a challenge years ago, and they look back at it and go wow, I learned this strength, and it made me a better person. Make that leap in your head: I know I’m going to feel this way at some point, so why not feel this way right now? If you can go through it now, it will be hugely beneficial.”

Heather’s words are amazing, to say the least. I love her input here because she hits on a crucial theme of this book: reaching your Mountaintop is nothing more than applying small, practical kernels of wisdom in each present moment. If you don’t apply anything, your life won’t improve. Start with one small thing — just make sure you start. That’s why the best leaders on the planet are the ones who fully embody their own messages.

I’ve taken it upon myself to live what I’m teaching here, as have all of these experts. By no means am I perfect and I continue to make mistakes, but I’ve been in the trenches and understand the struggle. It took me more than two decades to learn this. You must find a way to put your knowledge into real action.

If you’re not failing and facing rejection every now and then, you’re not putting into action what you know.

Here’s a great example, speaking directly from my own experience: social media. We all have strengths and weaknesses and while one of my strengths is public speaking, one of my weaknesses is social media. I love being face-to-face with people and seeing their reactions to my messages. The thought of putting something up on the internet without seeing someone’s immediate reaction scared me. I especially felt anxiety when no one liked or commented on a particular post.

What I did is I kept on using social media even though it made me feel uncomfortable, because I knew my message could reach more people by sharing it online. I had to get used to the fact that not everyone will always engage with my posts. Some of my Facebook posts got lots of likes, and other posts got little to no likes. Some of my tweets got favorites, retweets, and comments, and other tweets got no response.

The point here is that some of my posts failed — they got little to no engagement. What I learned to do is rather than get hung up on the results of a single post, it’s best to put your content out there continuously. This risks failure, but holds the possibility of helping someone and/or achieving your goal. You must become comfortable with taking risks in order to get what you want and make a real difference in the world.

I turned a weakness into a strength by failing my way to success. Some weeks my posts failed, but other weeks my posts succeeded. It was through the posts that got no engagement that I learned the value of persistence, maintaining an even-keel, and pushing forward. I also realized that even if a post gets no engagement, it still could have made a positive impact (sometimes people who don’t like or comment on any of my posts message me saying they love the content I post).

Now my social media posts get more engagement than they did previously. This doesn’t mean I’m an expert at social media, but it does mean I’ve learned what works and what doesn’t. I’m maintaining a beginner’s mindset and continually shifting my strategy to make more of a positive impact in people’s lives. By facing the fear of rejection and continually learning from my mistakes, I was able to connect with more people. You can do this too.

Another quick example is making a sale. Every rejection and “no” is one step closer to a victory and “yes.” The best salespeople are the ones who encounter the most rejection because they are putting themselves out there the most.

If J.K. Rowling let failure and rejection stop her, we wouldn’t have the iconic world-renowned Harry Potter series. Rejection is a good thing, not a bad thing, because it means you are putting yourself out there and moving forward. Leaders are scared of failure and rejection like everyone else, but they don’t let the fear stop them from putting themselves out there anyways.

Dare to Be Different

Bill Corbett, an author, professional speaker, trainer, friend, and mentor of mine, also has some valuable leadership insights that tie right into the self-leadership Heather told us about.

Bill and I both spoke at a youth leadership conference in early March of 2016 to an audience of eight hundred students — Heather Hansen O’Neill, who we just heard from in the previous pages, is the one who created and hosted the event, bringing Bill and me in as speakers.

I spoke in the morning but stayed to hear the other speakers.

“Leadership is about doing something different than everyone else,” Bill said.

Bill talked about the importance of standing out from the crowd and being a leader in many areas of your life.

“Show leadership in your home by getting everyone to sit down in a room at some point in the week and share something going on in their life,” Bill said. “It might sound like something you don’t want to do, but it’s a great way to connect with your family and find out what’s going on in their lives.”

I love this. Leadership is about stepping outside of the norm and doing something you wouldn’t normally do. At first, sitting around chatting with your family, without the distraction of television or electronic devices, may seem uncomfortable. But it will lead to a heightened sense of connection with your loved ones, which will be useful to have when you experience setbacks.

The other aspect I love about Bill’s insights into being an unconventional leader is that it doesn’t have to be about doing something on a grandiose scale. Yes, that’s where you’re headed, but start small and work with what’s in front of you today. Leadership may mean going to the coffee shop to work on your project instead of going out and drinking alcohol. Leadership may mean strengthening a relationship with your family member by putting the phone down for a half hour instead of endlessly being lost in social media and email.

If you are anything like how I used to be when I heard about leadership, you roll your eyes and think, oh great, now I have to figure out how to go to Washington, D.C. and speak in front of tens of thousands of people, changing the world. I’ve made this mistake as much as anyone else, and I have the frustrations to prove it. But what I’ve learned is it’s not about trying to change everything at once. Think globally, but act locally. Make a small, tiny shift in your habits. Be a little bit kinder. Work a little bit harder. Have a little more discipline. Encourage others and genuinely care about what they’re experiencing. Do this and you’re genuinely a leader. It’s not about changing the world in one fell swoop. It’s about leading yourself, being an example for others, and stepping into your unique possibilities one day at a time.

Reaching your Mountaintop is about making daily progress by leading yourself. It’s about focusing on the small things within your control rather than the big things outside of your control.

Bill has been through a lot of ups and downs in his life and has persevered through it all. He shows leadership by encouraging and helping others in many different ways. He’s a great example of the possibilities that can open up when you focus on leading yourself instead of worrying about what’s outside of your control. He also embodies the fact that leadership is more about creating leaders in others than it is having people follow you. Rather than trying to get people to be like you, encourage people to dare to be the quintessential version of their own self!

Next, we will hear from my friend Ann Meacham, also a leadership expert. Before I interviewed Ann about leadership one on one, I had the pleasure of watching her conduct a thorough program on critical thinking skills. Critical thinking is a cornerstone of effective leadership so we will start out with key kernels from her program and then move into the conversation we had with one another.

The Importance of Critical Thinking as a Foundation of Leadership

The first aspect of critical thinking comes down to asking the right questions. When I heard Ann discussing this in her presentation, I got excited because I’ve always been a question asker and a curious person, someone who wonders about everything (including both the good and bad aspects of life). The secret to knowledge is not to have all the answers, but to ask the right questions.

A good rule of thumb is to question authority figures, people who claim to know it all. Questioning people does not mean you are disrespecting people. Remember, being polite, friendly, and respectable are hallmark traits of successful people. Questioning others just means that you think for yourself.

From my own experience, I can testify to the challenge of blocking out the noise of other people’s opinions. Even as an independent thinker, it’s incredibly easy to fall into the trap of automatically believing the spoken word without questioning it. But Ann gives us a series of practical questions to ask when facing particular statements and claims from others:

1. Who said that?
2. Is that source reliable?
3. Is there data to support that claim?
4. Has it been scientifically proven?
5. Is this person qualified to speak on this topic?
6. Do they have a personal stake in this issue?

“While I grew up,” Ann said, “I wasn’t very discerning. I took what some people said to be truth.”

I loved Ann’s transparency and honesty as a speaker, as I am transparent and honest myself. I completely relate to Ann being too trusting while growing up. I far too frequently took other people’s words as the truth.

“One time I asked someone where I should park my car,” Ann said. “I wanted to put it in my driveway, but the other person said to park it on the road. It ended up being a bad decision because I ended up falling and badly injuring myself. I had to learn to stop listening to other people without checking in with myself first! Sometimes we forget to do this and just out of habit we do what others ask us, even at a self-sacrifice.”

Here we have more powerful advice from Ann. Constructive feedback and helpful advice from others are great, but Ann knows we must not let others dictate what to do, especially if it’s detrimental to yourself — this is relevant because it is also a key kernel of leadership and leading yourself to your own mountain, your own version of success. You may have initially thought that where Ann parked her car was insignificant, but it ended up costing her a broken wrist and great pain.

Please know that Ann is not blaming the other person for her injury. Rather, she is helping us to become aware of the tendency that we all have, including me, to listen to other’s thoughts and opinions before our own. Consider outside feedback and other points of view, but don’t betray yourself if your intuition is telling you that you have the right answer.

Sometimes the best leaders are forced to do what’s unpopular. As a leader, you must do what you feel to be right even when other people disagree with your decision.

Ann gave another highly relevant example that you might relate to. She was working on a project and wanted other people’s opinions, so she asked her friend what she thought.

“My friend wanted me to do what was best for my friend, not for me,” Ann said. Put your antenna up and ask: do they have a stake in the outcome?”

Ann went on to provide the audience with more useful questions to ask when considering a new idea. It’s important to take time to make the right decision, but there’s a certain tipping point where more time could be a bad thing.

“The longer it takes to decide something, the harder it gets,” Ann said.

To make the decision-making process easier and more effective, Ann encourages us to continually ask the following four questions:

1. What do we already know about this idea/choice in question? What are the pros and cons? Start with what you know and work your way from there.
2. What concerns us? Writing down our concerns helps us to identify bottlenecks, which in turn gives us insight into potential solutions.
3. What scares us? Sometimes writing down our fears, worries, and concerns can be the very thing that helps us to move beyond them. Worst-case scenarios are usually not as bad as we may have initially thought.
4. What could be the benefits? Oftentimes we are so preoccupied with what could go wrong that we forget the possibility of everything working out in our favor (which, as you know, is never guaranteed, but nonetheless far more likely than you may have initially thought and expected).

Critical thinking is a powerful skill. It’s straightforward and relatively simple, but not always so easy to apply. The truth is that most people do not ever engage in critical thinking. As Napoleon Hill pointed out in Outwitting the Devil: The Secret to Freedom and Success, the sad truth is that most people don’t think for themselves. But you are not most people. If you have read this far, then I’m certain you are the kind of person who is destined for great things. I say that not in some airy-fairy romantic sort of way, but rather in a real, genuine, and practical way for you to find your own truth and then act on it.

Once you connect with your own inner wisdom and truth, it will then be a lot easier to help others find theirs.

Leadership at its Best

Now that we have a solid foundation for the fundamentals of critical thinking, we can smoothly transition into my one-on-one conversation with Ann about leadership.

“There are a lot of different opinions about what the most important aspects of a leader are,” Ann said. “The basics are that the leader sets the vision, provides the things that the people need — like resources and encouragement — and then provides a framework for those goals to be accomplished. The leader will then hold others accountable for getting it done.”

To insert some extremely valuable leadership expertise from author, professional speaker, and prosperity expert Randy Gage, here’s one of his periscopes while he was in Florida:

“There are all sorts of books out there with leadership tips from people who’ve never led anything,” Randy said. “Yes, there are some general tips to consider, but ultimately it’s about having a vision and then leading people to that vision.”

Randy’s Mountaintop-level insights are a perfect addition to Ann’s points. I love sharing principles with you that are backed by the knowledge and experience of several experts. Later in the book, we will hear much more from legendary entrepreneur Randy Gage, an incredibly inspiring man and a history-maker. I felt compelled to share his insights here because he and Ann see eye-to-eye on what leadership is really all about. Now, back to Ann.

“Those are the three keys,” Ann said. “Vision, providing resources, and accountability. On top of that, a leader is also a facilitator. If you are in a meeting, they will facilitate and make sure everyone participates. They convene the meeting and keep everything on track. For example, it’s not uncommon for a leader to spend multiple days facilitating with the senior team of a company.

“The leader inspires,” Ann continued. “If you go to a leader for help, a true leader will be at your service and do everything they can, within reason, to help you. They use stories and anecdotes to support their claims. For example, I’ve heard you speak about the beauty, power, and awesomeness of your late Aunt Meg before, Jeff, which is great. You have the right idea with that: you are showing others that they can be inspired the same way you were inspired by your late Aunt.”

Weaving in my own input, keep in mind that it takes a large degree of self-discipline and self-leadership to put into action the behavior necessary to turn a vision into reality. Vision is crucial, and without the right behavior the vision doesn’t unfold the way it was meant to. Rather than just telling others what to do, lead the way by inspiring others to believe in the vision and make it their own.

Also, show compassion for others by listening to them and showing you care. Show compassion not in theory, but in reality, especially when it’s tough to do so. This is not easy to put into action and takes practice, but if you remind yourself of the importance of practical compassion on a daily basis you will become an exceptional leader.

Making the most of my opportunity to chat with Ann and pick her brain, I continued to ask her questions.

“What about leadership as it pertains to motivation?” I asked. “Isn’t motivation sort of an overused term nowadays?”

“A true leader never motivates anyone, but rather shows people how to motivate themselves,” Ann said.

Piggybacking off of Ann’s insightful comment, I’d like to add that motivation isn’t about fluff like some people think. Motivation is about looking at one’s daily life and then using relevant strategies to continue moving forward. When used and applied effectively, proper motivation can be the difference between success and failure.

It’s important to apply this knowledge consistently. Seek to make small changes, and then turn those changes into habits. That’s how leaders are made.

The Key

“It’s all about having that vision,” Ann said. “If you do the right things then you can have what you want. You really need to start with a vision. Goals are more of a to-do list for how to get there.”

“That’s great,” I said. “It makes a lot of sense to start with a vision. Tell me more about goals.”

“Goals are success indicators,” Ann said. “If it’s three years from now and you’ve reached your vision, setting and reaching goals are the indicators that let you know you’re there.”

Some examples Ann shared with me:

• Getting hired for [you fill in the blank] number of engagements.
• Getting paid X [you fill in the blank] amount per speech.
• Consistently getting X [you fill in the blank] kind of feedback after a certain task, project, business initiative, etc.
• Defining success for yourself as [you fill in the blank].

Success is about defining what you want on your terms. This is not about what someone else wants for you. This is about what you want for yourself.

“For example,” Ann continued, “success for some could be having a booked schedule because they are in demand.”

I like how Ann talked about concrete results, and at the same time talked about more subjective aspects of leadership and success. This process involves creating your own framework, so you become a forward thinking leader who knows where you’re leading people.

Parting Words

“Remember,” Ann said, “leadership is critical in every area of our lives. And when it comes to leading yourself, it’s really all about less stress and more peace.”

As we wrapped up our discussion, Ann talked about how leadership is not about stressing out all of the time. Be disciplined when it comes to your goals, but consciously give yourself some breathing room as well.

“It’s really too bad how many people give their life over to the goals to the point that they are eaten, without ever enjoying life and without really living,” Ann said. “Too many people live to work, rather than work to live. That’s where balance comes into this discussion as well.”

“That’s a great point,” I said. “For example, I have an upcoming trip to a big conference in California, and I’m doubting whether or not I should have booked the trip. But I’m going for sure now, so I figure I might as well use it as an opportunity to relax. In addition to the conference, I will have one or two days of downtime.”

“Of course,” Ann said. “Enjoy your trip as much as you can. Conferences are excellent because they give you a chance to learn valuable new material without expending too much energy and still recharge. When we try to do too much, we wear out. Jeff — you’re young, you can pull crazy hours and work as hard as you do, but realize that it doesn’t take 20 years to burn out. You — and I don’t mean you personally, but anyone who is working too hard — could wake up one day and say I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care. Leadership is also about taking care of yourself.”

I completely relate to Ann’s words of wisdom here. I do work hard, and I am a forward thinker, but I have had many moments where I was so frustrated, burned out, and exhausted that I started not caring about my goals. Even while writing this book, my schedule was so unbalanced that I was starting to lose sleep. This led to waking up feeling frustrated to the point where I cared less about my goals because I didn’t have my usual energy during the day. An all-nighter every now and then is awesome (and I love that feeling of task-completion, as I’m sure you do as well), but Ann is saying that too many of those nights in a row will catch up to you — and she’s absolutely right.

The point here is that leaders establish self-sustaining, productive, and healthy long-term habits, including getting a good night’s sleep. When reaching for a vision, they know it’s about consistent daily progress, not a one-time sprint.

I successfully counteracted those feelings of not caring by giving myself a break and recharging — now I’m 100% back on track. Rest is crucial.

“People brag about having no vacation days,” Ann said. “But that’s foolish. I use every vacation day I can. Vacation helps me to recharge so I can return feeling refreshed. For example, I knew of a CEO of a nonprofit who had a million things going at once. This is particularly common for people who are in charge. She couldn’t get a handle on her stress and continuously felt overwhelmed. Even a month off didn’t help. She actually took a month off, but still couldn’t get away from the stress. She was so overwhelmed she had to quit. Don’t let that happen to you — don’t let your work burn you out.

“Pace yourself. And have fun! Create relationships with people you meet by following up with them via email and phone. Join a mastermind or networking group of some sort.”

My discussion with Ann came at the perfect time because of my upcoming trip to California. During my trip, I made sure to enjoy it while learning new information at the conference. I love how my conversation with Ann spontaneously occurred after she was done presenting; sometimes the best input comes from putting down our worries and just chatting with people. And you know who I got to meet on that trip to California, by pure serendipity? Michael Benner and John Lee Dumas, who we will hear from later in this book.

Take action as often as you reasonably can. Stay super-focused on your vision and goals. Just don’t forget to smell the roses along the way! It’s up to you to decide exactly what kind of break/balance is appropriate for your particular situation, but please know that it’s alright to create some breathing room in your life.

Focus on the important stuff, let the insignificant worries go, and enjoy each and every moment life offers you even before you’ve reached your end destination — life is just too short to do otherwise. Combine breaks with these leadership tips, and you will be well on your way to reaching your Mountaintop.

Another Powerful Leadership Expert

Let’s recap before moving ahead further. Leaders are people who lead from within. They do what’s right regardless of the circumstances or if it’s an unpopular choice. They have a vision and seek to enlist people in that vision. They also look to create leaders by serving others. It’s not about getting followers, but rather creating powerful co-collaborators. Leaders are innovative and imaginative, seekers of excellence, authentic, ballsy, focused on daily behavior, and true to themselves.

In addition to Ann, another great example of a leader is entrepreneur and LinkedIn expert Mike Shelah. I had the honor, privilege, and pleasure of grabbing coffee with him in Westminster, Maryland. Mike embodies all of these qualities of leadership and more. He certainly has had plenty of setbacks and disappointments, but he is a wholly positive person and a joy to speak with.

“After making decisions, true leaders are slow to change them,” Mike said. “As Simon Sinek, author of Start with Why, says, ‘Seek to understand yourself and why you made particular decisions.’”

What Mike is saying here is that it’s fantastic to pursue opportunities to the fullest, but don’t change from one endeavor to another without a reason and purpose for doing so. I have lots of energy, and I’m constantly generating new ideas, but I make sure to stick with a project and see it through to completion. I tend not to jump around by choosing to channel my energy into a specific purpose. When you know why you chose a particular course of action, it will be more difficult for someone to deter you from your path (we all face countless external influences on a daily basis). When you become clear on your why, you can focus your energies on a single, important task.

Be flexible in your approach, but be deliberate about the decisions you make. Give yourself time and don’t let others rush you. Once you make a decision, be true to yourself and follow through.

From a leadership point of view, be aware of the “bright, shiny object syndrome” where it is easy to become so excited about new opportunities that you never see your ideas through to completion. Part of the process of becoming the expert yourself is to make a decision and then make your decision right, rather than endlessly worrying about making the right decision. This is the brilliance I picked up from talking to Mike.

I can speak to this because I’ve been there! I have an innate and true love for traveling, so for a while, I was bouncing back and forth between being a travel expert and being a youth (middle school, high school, and college) expert. I finally got sick and tired of the delay of indecision, so I thought, alright, cool — I’ve lived abroad, traveled the world, and genuinely had some ridiculously amazing travel experiences. But I’ll never be the “go-to” guy in the youth market unless I put my whole heart and soul into it, instead of being half in travel and half in the youth market.

Guess what happened? High schools and colleges started seeing me as the expert. I’ve now spoken to youth not only in the United States of America but also in Europe and Asia. But it wasn’t an easy process. It took a heck of a lot of leadership because I had to not only be 100% accountable for my thoughts, actions, and habits, but I had to cut out the outside world and listen to what my heart and soul were telling me to do. And you know what the beauty of it all is? I still travel all the time (as I write these words I’m 38,000 feet in the air, traveling home from Europe to the United States). You can have multiple passions, and you can pursue multiple things at the same time. Just be sure to have that one main focus.

Leaders ask themselves: What do I want the most? And how can what I want the most help others? Once you have that figured out, then live your values, create a vision, and go after it! It’s not always easy to do it in practice, but it’s a straightforward process. And it’s an ongoing endeavor, not a one-time thing.

This is what Mike means when he talks about leadership. When making a decision, make sure to do something for the right reasons. And then align your habits and daily actions to run with your decision. The world favors the bold. Leaders are courageous and go after what they want with full force.

“I took a sales job when I was younger,” Mike said, “and I didn’t vet it. It turned out to be one of the worst career moves I’ve ever made. The lesson I learned from that experience is to take a job because it makes you happy, not just for money or one of the million other reasons there are to take a job.”

I relate to Mike here because I, too, made the same mistake when I was younger. I got lied to in the interview about what the job would be like, so it wasn’t entirely my fault, but the lesson I learned from that experience is that you are vetting the company as much as they are vetting you.

This book is not a job interview handbook, but this was the perfect way to end the chapter: reminding you that leaders make decisions from within and for the right reasons. This is the essence of reaching your Mountaintop. Of all the different situations you will encounter in your life — good and bad, big and small — this is one of the most important tips to remember. Start with leading yourself by understanding yourself, and knowing why you do certain things. The more you know your why, the less external factors will be able to sway you astray. When you do this, things will start to flow beautifully for you.

Key Aspects of Leadership to Remember

As a quick recap, here are some of the best leadership insights. Any one of these points can change your life for the better:

• Make small, tiny, daily changes.
• Give away the credit and take the blame.
• Serve, encourage, and inspire others in a real, genuine, and practical way.
• Seek not to gain more followers, but to help create leaders in others.
• Act with courage and integrity by doing the right thing even when it’s not the most popular or well-received decision.
• Always respect others and treat people with kindness, but don’t be afraid to rock the boat if you know you are moving the ball forward and sharing your authentic message.
• Freely share yourself with others — be open, vulnerable, and willing to reveal your anxieties and fears (when the time and situation are right).
• All leadership starts with self-leadership: rather than worrying about changing the world or other people, go to work on yourself. Get so busy improving your own habits, thought processes, actions, and daily activities that you don’t even have time to criticize or judge others.

Learn From the Best and Surround Yourself with the Right People

Before we leave this chapter, let me emphasize that good leaders are not only assembling top-notch teams but also surrounding themselves with the right people. We mentioned this tip earlier in the book, but I’ll mention it again because it’s so important.

My friend, Geronda Wollack, human resources consultant, entrepreneur, and speaker, says she is amazed by the transformation I’ve made over the last year and a half — I’ve gone from good to great as a speaker and have evolved fairly quickly in a short period of time. This is largely due to surrounding myself with the right people (amazingly kind, friendly, and smart people such as Geronda). Geronda is an inspiration, always encouraging others and lifting them up — a true leader.

I then go back to these people who have lifted, raised, and inspired me to greater heights. They always tend to say, “I had no part in it. It was all you.” To my credit, I did work my butt off to apply what I learned. But to their credit, they are the ones who got me thinking in the right direction. They are just being humble.

You need people who get you thinking in terms of possibility, hope, and accomplishment — people who make you feel like a million bucks. You do need constructive feedback from honest people, but the feedback should never be given to you in a destructive, overly critical way. One of the keys to success and reaching your own Mountaintop is to surround yourself with the right people.

Nick Thacker, a successful blogger and author I briefly mentioned earlier who has assembled an awesome email list and community, says, “It is so true that no one is an island. If I’ve succeeded anywhere in my life so far, it’s been because I haven’t been afraid to ask for help or advice. When I meet a business owner, I ask if I can buy them lunch or coffee sometime. You’d be surprised how many times they say yes and how many times those little asks turn into a real friendship or mentorship.

“I recently asked the CEO of one of the top 10 zoos in the world to grab a coffee and he said yes,” Nick continued. “Leading up to our one-hour meeting was one of the most nerve-wracking and terrifying weeks in my life: what would we talk about? What if he thinks I’m an idiot? What do I wear? What if he feels our meeting is a big waste of time?

“Turns out I learned a LOT that day and we both had a great time. I listened to stories about business, life, and doing things that matter. We were able to relate to each other on a lot of it. But what I really learned was the power of asking. The worst someone can ever say is no and that should give you comfort. If it doesn’t, ask anyway, and get used to hearing no — it’s good for you.

“A lot of what I said isn’t wise, unique, or even new. But it’s true — it takes time, effort, and a lot of hard-earned failures to make something truly valuable as a leader. I’m still working on that myself, and I ALWAYS get sidetracked. But keep your ‘eye on the prize’, as the saying goes, and focus on what ‘success’ means to you.”

Nick, like Heather, Bill, Ann, Randy, and Mike, embodies the qualities of a leader. Nick has the courage to ask for what he wants and lives with integrity by staying true to his values. He’s also very humble and didn’t even acknowledge his achievements in our communications. He reached his Mountaintop because he put the focus on serving others. He defined his own version of success, and has done and continues to do incredible things with his life.

Concluding Thoughts

When you are applying some of these tips, insights, and strategies, remind yourself daily that leaders aren’t afraid to be themselves and create their own formula of what works for them in their lives. Every day, every hour, sometimes even every minute, the world will try to convince you to be someone you’re not. Push back. Push back respectfully and kindly, but never be afraid to push back. There are so many different ways to be successful — choose the way that works best for you!

For example, my author friends tell me just to write. My speaker friends tell me not to worry about writing at all and just speak. My digital marketing friends tell me to forget about writing and speaking and grow my career in the lucrative field of marketing analytics. And my travel friends tell me that I should be solely focused on a travel blog.

What works for me is to combine all of these, with a focus on the high school and college markets. It’s alright to have multiple passions! It’s ok to apply bits and pieces of advice from others without listening to every little thing they say. You are your own person, your own boss, and no one is in control of your life but you. People can help and offer advice. Sometimes the advice they offer is helpful, but in the end, it comes down to you understanding yourself and your needs. That’s what self-leadership, and eventually leading others, is all about.

Sometimes you’re going to have to ignore the opinions of others. Sometimes you’re going to have to detach from the dysfunction going on around you and keep your eyes on that vision instead of the stressed craziness of people who lose their cool for no reason. Just make sure to live what you teach others. Be a person of character and have the same personality with everyone you encounter.

Some people teach principles to others, but then they don’t LIVE those principles themselves. Of course, it’s a challenge to live the principles, and no one is perfect, but the effort needs to be made daily. Be true to your word and live your message.

Regardless of what others think, say, or do, be a leader and example for others by showing your true self to the world and just GOING for it. You can do it, my friend.

Questions for Reflection

1. Think of a negative or unpleasant situation you experienced recently. What is the silver lining? What is the hidden opportunity in the setback? If what happened was completely out of your control, what can you learn from the situation about yourself?
2. What is the big fifteen-year vision for your life? What is your five-year vision? What is your one-year vision? What is your four-month vision? What behavior will get you to your vision, starting today?
3. How can you lead yourself better? What is one small thing you can do, starting now or tomorrow, to show leadership in your daily life?

This is chapter 4 from the award-winning book, Reach Your Mountaintop: 10 Keys to Finding the Hidden Opportunity in Your Setbacks, Flipping What You’ve Heard on Its Head, and Achieving Legendary Goals.

Originally published at jeffdspeaks.com on August 7, 2018.